i just finished watching good will hunting. i think it is my third time. the first time that i watched it was with ivy and jessica and we were a little late.. and i remember eating sees candies- the almond toffee chocolate bar. =) that movie just gets better and better i think! there are a lot of really good scenes in the movie. i like the one scene where will and skylar are sitting outside and she's doing organic chemistry, and they have the conversation about how his mind works before she kisses him. hmm, i should try to find that movie on DVD, at half.com.. i'll do that before i sleep. =)

what happened to that silly, happy attitude i had earlier this week? it's even a little gloomy outside. i didn't hear any good songs in the car on the way to work, either. =( sigh. i need a change of outlook. i want to smile more, and laugh more. be more carefree, because really, i have nothing to be concerned with, right? i need to dive into work- not get distracted by pessimistic thoughts. like last night, the professor talked about silicon valley for 40 minutes. it's so incredible! moore's law... transistors, the silicon wafers, my grandchildren will be so amazed i grew up at a time when the CPU processor speed was ONLY 2.4 GHz. =) then he talked about operational amplifiers and i was totally lost.

so today. (1) plan for weekend (2) more Javascript (3) try out Dreamweaver (4) take down my webpage.. and put a temp page up

today i had lunch with three women- mommy, lynn, and linda, a saleslady from Eastgate. our ages range 50,40,30,20, roughly. a lot of girl talk. pretty much the whole conversation was about marriage, because linda is about that age to get married. we all seem to fall into a different category. im supposed to be dating casually without the thought of commitment, linda is supposed to start thinking about marriage and commitment, lynn is a young mother and experienced with marriage, and mommy has been married almost half her lifetime now.

mommy and lynn love playing matchmaker and asked linda if she would like to be "introduced" to people. they make marriage sound the most practical. they say, find a man with a good temper and personality. in the end that matters the most. make sure he treats you and all other people respectfully. they say that women have such high standards, but really in the end, only a couple things matter and it's all about mature acceptance later. linda says that she hears from people that yeah, the person you might marry might not be the one that you always dreamed about, actually it's more like the timing of the situation. at her age you start to think in terms of settling down with someone and raising a family, and less how "perfect" one is. i know that both love and are in love with their husbands, im not saying they are super practical.. but there's the feeling that they are practical about it.

i can see that linda still wants to fall in love and the whole works though; she doesn't like the idea of introductions. it's so hard to say. lynn's husband was her first and last boyfriend. that's an exception... then there is mommy had the path as practical as she is- she found a man at the right age and it worked out beautifully. daddy doesn't show much but i know he can be sweet. i was cleaning and i found a box with his letters. he signed a card, the one who will love you forever. i don't know what im thinking...i know they love each other.

im just stuck as what to do now i guess. i know in the end everything works out. but what do i do about now? i hear so many stories. maybe too many.

are phone conversations long because (a) you spend time trying to figure exactly what the other person is saying, and what they mean, or (b) even though you feel like you are communicating beautifully, you don't want to get off the phone with that person because you like that person so much?

i just spent 4 hours on the phone with mark. im worried that he will be tired during his exam but im not worried because i think he's confident that he will do well, and so he will. im worried, then im not worried. things seem to be always like that with him. i hope, then i fear, i am confident and then i am not, i want assurance but it's not fair, sometimes i need something clean cut- either yes or no, but then other times the gray area is best for timing. hm.

i think everybody in the world is basically the same with their needs, wants, wishes, dreams. i think that when two people talk, there is always some common ground. when you get closer to someone through lots of talks, it's not so much the common ground, its the expectation and hope that they understand how your mind works, your character and your actions. it is my greatest hope that someone knows me well enough to "pick" apart what i say- when i say something and i mean it, when i say something and half-mean it.

when someone knows you so well that you laugh about it. i think that is the biggest assurance of hey-you are my best friend.

=)

i listened to RENT on the way to work. how do the lyrics go? "forget regret or life is yours to miss." a plus is that i'm not someone who regrets... at least i say i don't. but a minus is that i tend to dwell on things. so, really, am i regretting? ive been thinking about a relationship. and what i find most disheartening is i can't figure out how the next relationship is going to be any different from the past one, that he has had, or i have had. of course it will be different because it's a different person and we have different outlooks now, but will the ending be different?

i try to figure out what is going inside my head and i think i'm looking for the assurance that when the next relationship happens it will last. one way i'm looking for that assurance is that i'm looking back at my old relationship and trying to pick out what was wrong, what he expected, what i expected more. that is good but that is bad too because i should learn how to just let it be, and accept my past. because i know that i don't regret it, and it was a healthy breakup. jessica would tell me that hey- you got into the relationship because you wanted to at the time- you can't change what you felt then.. even if now it's all different.

haha, to summarize. i feel stuck in my mentality. like, i don't want to try another relationship if it's going to fail.

omigosh! i woke up this morning with this amazing joy. i bounced out of bed! the first thing i did was listen to Take My Hand by the Kry. i like the song very much. i can't figure it out. yesterday even, daddy thought i was nuts, because i was smiling so much. what is it? haha. i feel so peaceful. nothing seemed to worry me today. i was so eager to share the joy, i wrote karen an email about it.

things just got better when i got home. i forgot the cell phone at home and mark left me a text message~! the joys just keep multiplying. hee. now im basking in the awesomeness of today that i can't figure out what to do... i think i'll start my excel worksheet..

=)

i must be so absent-minded. i thought that there was a washington mutual in ann arbor. so i have a wamu account, i just activated my ATM card too. then i go online and check for the nearest ATM machine.. it says it's in New Jersey! i also look online at the banks around ann arbor, sure enough, no washington mutual. gr. i just need an account or something that doesn't require a fee for cash withdrawal. hmm. citibank is convenient for online banking and also for mommy to see. hmm. i'll have to look more.

today i didn't do much. =) in the afternoon i went to almaden plaza to look around- still looking for shoes. i should have went inside sees candies. i miss the smell of that place! also at home i downloaded a lot of music and also chatted with christina about her relationship with roger and i told her what was going on with me also. a very good conversation i must say.

i have one more thing to do before i sleep. i will write more tomorrow!

im upset i didn't write yesterday! internet was down again. last night is a blur. i slept for 12 hours and i still don't remember my dreams. i thought that would cure it.. i just remember tossing and turning around.

yesterday my brain was on overdrive. i read at the library, i read at the bookstore and i also watched she's all that. i didn't like the movie so much this time.. dorks and jocks in high school? i think saratoga was just divided into asians and caucasians. i think in each half, there were the more popular girls, and also the more popular guys. but i think popularity had to do with how loud or even controversial one was. or! if you had a twin siser. hahaha.

time can change so much. it's sometimes startling to realize all that was done in high school has no effect now. it makes me wonder how do you know what you have now will last? what can time not change? carpe diem, only to realize that later it was all in your head? that's too pessimistic i think- there is something missing in the picture i am seeing.

more later! last day of four-day weekend!